Alchemy At Hogwarts
by Animefreek22
Summary: All the characters of FMA...at Hogwarts. So instead of space, it's Hogwarts.
1. All Aboard

Author's Note: This is my first story…Enjoy or hate it, please tell me in a review so I don't continue to suck it up. Sorry about the premise.

**Disclaimer:** _Harry Potter_ and its associated characters are the property of JK Rowling and her estate. _Full Metal Alchemist_ and its associated characters are property of Hiromu Arakawa and her estate. I own nothing but the computer I typed this on.

CHAPTER 1: ALL ABOARD

"Well Al, how do you feel?"

"Nervous bro. Everything's just so…fast now. I mean, I knew that when you got your letter, I wouldn't be seeing you, and then the train left and I didn't see you for months and months and now I got mine and then we went shopping and then we went to the station and dad walked into the wrong barrier and forgot who we were for a minute and mom just shook her head and said 'Why did I marry you?' and everyone else laughed but I was confused and-"

"Hey hey, Al. Relax. You're going on probably the greatest journey of your life. And guess what? Your big brother's gonna be there right next to you, and take it with you. So just calm down and enjoy it alright?" The golden blonde twelve year old then smiled reassuringly at his younger brother. "Just enjoy the train ride. We'll be at Hogwarts before you know it."

Alchemy At Hogwarts

Edward Elric and Alphonse Elric sat alone in their carriage, opposite of each other. Edward just stared out of the train window, his sharp golden eyes barely registering the landscape whizzing past. His mind was more preoccupied with the boy in front of him. His brother had inherited the same golden eyes and hair he too had gotten from his father, but his face was rounder like their mother's, and his temperament was like that of his mother's too. Kind, gentle, shy, and above all….loyal. The young blonde gritted his teeth. Alphonse was brave, but his kindness and loyalty far overshadowed his courage. Ed was 263% sure Al would be in Hufflepuff, not in Gryffindor like him. And if that was true…How could he protect Al?

"Hey, uh Al?"

"What is it bro?"

"So uh, what house do you want to join?"

"Gryffindor obviously!" the young boy chirruped in reply, his eyes shining at the thought. "That's where bro is! Although if I got into Ravenclaw, that wouldn't be too bad considering Winry's there."

"So…only Ravenclaw and Gryffindor?"

"Yeah. No one really talks too much about Hufflepuff, and everyone just badmouths Slytherin so I have no real idea what they're both like."

"Ah, haha…Good. Ravenclaw and Gryffindor are both great houses. You'll definitely get into either of them."

"Thanks bro!"

As the pair fell silent again, Ed began to muse to himself. He had completely forgotten about Ravenclaw. Al was just as smart as Ed, possibly even smarter. And most adults called Ed a prodigy, constantly praising his control over magic at such a young age. But nobody noticed quiet Al, even though he was just as capable as Ed at one year younger and could perform complicated spells with ease and…well it was pointless to think in that direction. Al could go into Ravenclaw, where he wouldn't get bullied by the older Gryffindors and Slytherins and he wouldn't go to Slytherin where he wouldn't have to deal with-

The carriage door slid open with a bang. "What's up, half-pint!"

-…Mustang…


	2. Fiery Tempers

Author's Note: Wow. People like it. Did not expect that. Ah well. Read and review.

**Disclaimer: **_Harry Potter_ and its associated characters are the property of JK Rowling and her estate. _Full Metal Alchemist _and its associated characters are property of Hiromu Arakawa and her estate. I own nothing except the pants I am not in.

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><p>Chapter 2: Fiery Tempers<p>

Al jumped as the door slammed open, and glanced around nervously. Ed was emitting his hate aura, something only reserved for their father's stupid antics...and those who pointed out his size. He looked around for the nearest exit and only saw the door, blocked by a tall, coal haired boy, standing with five other kids of the same age, and the window, where trees, rocks, and lakes whizzed by with alarming speed. Al began to inch towards the window as the boy strode forward. As he walked forward, his robes, trimmed in green, rippled around his ankles. A Slytherin.

"Well well well little Elric. How was your break?"

"A lot less fun since I wasn't handing your ass to you on the dueling field asshole."

"Touchy touchy, I was just trying to be polite. You know, treat others well, and ask about their summer. It's common courtesy. I notice that you have yet to ask me about how my summer went. Maybe you are just a little less…cultured than me?"

Privately, Al had to agree as the tall boy moved with a composed air, sauntering towards his brother in a smooth manner, while Ed was grinding his teeth down in poorly suppressed rage, shaking with anger and the effort to not curse the tall, pretty boy into next week.

While Ed seethed and the tall boy proceeded to belittle him even further, his company moved forward. There was a boy taller that the first black-haired one, with narrow eyes, a slightly furrowed brow and a crop of gray hair shaved at the sides. To the tall boy's right was a blonde boy with short, spiked hair, and his robes tied around his waist. Next to the blonde boy stood a large, stocky boy with a dark orange crew cut. Rounding out the males in the group was a skinny short boy with short black hair and glasses. He looked considerably younger than any of the other members of the group. Then stepped out…a girl. She was very pretty, with blond hair kept up in a clip, and a fringe over her brown eyes. She glanced down at Alphonse and smiled. Al flushed and averted his eyes hurriedly. She seemed so nice and even tempered, unlike the other blondes in his life. Why was she a Slytherin?

In fact, Al wondered, why was it that only the dark haired boy currently looming over the apoplectic blonde boy and the blonde girl with the nice smile were Slytherins? The tall skinny one and the stocky orange haired one were wearing robes trimmed in blue, while the small, bespectacled one and the blonde unreliable looking one were wearing robes trimmed in yellow. What were Slytherins doing with Ravenclaws and above all, Hufflepuffs? From the stories Ed had told Al, he was pretty sure Slytherins made a habit of making any Hufflepuff's life like living in the Chamber of Secrets.

As Al pondered all these new questions, the black haired boy who was now pinching Ed's cheek and talking in a jovial, babyish voice. Ed appeared to have surpassed coherently expressible rage. With the focused hatred in Ed's eyes as he stared at the tall boy, Al was sure he could burn through the Sun.

As the older boy continued to patronize Al's brother, the blonde girl stepped up to the black haired boy, then forcefully grabbed him by the ear, yanking his face down to Al's knees. Freed from the older boy's taunts, Ed leaped up in fury and triumph as he made to draw his wand from his personally made holster on his left arm. Al instinctively reacted, coming up behind from the enraged dwarf, and grabbing him.

"Ow! Riza, what the-"

"Behave yourself, Roy! Do _not_ act like a child in front of your friends. They follow you and your overblown ego for a reason, which was _not_ your startling ability to mock twelve year olds."

As Roy was being scolded by Riza, Al was struggling to hold Ed back from cursing the older boy a new asshole….in his face.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH! DAMMIT AL LEMME GO! THAT COCKY ASS PRETTY BOY WON'T HAVE SO MANY BIMBOS HANGING ON HIS ARM WHEN HE-"

The temperature rose to boiling as Roy swiveled towards Ed so quickly that he knocked Riza off his ear and as Ed realized who he had just called a "bimbo."

Meanwhile, Al had let go of Ed and had begun to inch towards the door, whre the other boys were slowly making their way as well. They surreptitiously glanced towards each other.

"H-hi, I'm Alphonse, Alphonse Elric" the young boy stammered. "F-first year. I dunno what house yet…"

"Vato Falman. 3rd year Ravenclaw. A pleasure."

"Heymans Breda. Should be in my 4th year, 'cept they locked me out of the potions dungeon in my 1st year after a little 'incident,' so I'm a repeat. Ravenclaw, nice to meet you."

"Jean Havoc. Should be a 4th year too, 'cept I actually flunked the tests the first year unlike this meathead so I'm just a 3rd year Hufflepuff. 'Sup?"

"Kain Fuery. 2nd year Hufflepuff. H-hello."

"So um…..Does he usually do this to everyone?"

"What, Roy? No, Roy only picks on the kid cuz he's fun to pick on. He treats everyone else somewhat decently though."

"So….is the temperature increase a part of getting picked on?"

"Negative. The temperature increase around Mustang only occurs when he is ready to use his magic seriously."

"Wh-what happens when does use his magic seriously?"

Breda grunted in laughter. "Enough happens to make my potions accident in my first year look like a middle school science project."

"Well how bad was that?"

"Ever play with a firecracker, kid?"

"Y-yeah?"

"Ever play with a nuke?"

"….How far would we need to run?"

All four of them just shook their heads in unison.

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><p>Right. Sorry about the pacing and contrived character introductions. I promise that once they get off the Hogwarts Express, things will be more fun. And plot related. Remember to review! Please?<p> 


	3. End of the Line

Author's Note: I got my first reviews! Whoo! Read and review.

Disclaimer: Harry Potter and its associated characters are the property of JK Rowling and her estate. Full Metal Alchemist and its associated characters are property of Hiromu Arakawa and her estate. I own nothing except my Strange Medi-Gun.

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><p>Chapter 3: End of the Line<p>

As Al and his newfound partners-in-fear, Havoc, Falman, Breda, and Fuery all inched towards the doors, Edward and Roy were staring each other down. Ed's eyes flashed defiantly, daring Roy to make a move, while occasionally slipping Riza an apologetic look. Roy's gaze never left Edward's face, taking in all that he could. His movements, breathing, and glares; Roy looked for the movement, the twitch that would signify the runt's attack. The small, arrogant punk deserved to be cursed with a permanent reduction charm, Roy thought as he kept his cherry wand pointed at Ed's face. The blonde boy was sweating, not from nervousness, but from the pure heat that was emanating from the wand, and Roy's very being. Then out of nowhere, Riza very gently laid her had on Roy's arm.

"That's enough. It's okay, Roy."

"Wha, Hawkeye?"

The older boy's glance momentarily broke to look at the blonde girl. It was all Ed needed. He whipped his wand out from the holster on his arm and before Roy could react, leveled it at the boy's face. The two were now holding their wands less than an inch from each other.

"Well Mustang? Are we gonna fight or are we gonna stand here posing dramatically? I'm blonde, so that means I get more powerful the longer we stand off just staring at each other. So come on. Make a move."

"Bro, stop."

Al slowly stepped forward and placed his hand on his brother's, slowly pushing it down. Behind him, Riza slowly lowered Roy's arm as well. "This is pointless. It doesn't advance any agenda, it doesn't help anyone. It's only a fight for your pride," both Riza and Al simultaneously stated.

"When the time comes for you to truly need to fight, then I will support you with all I am, as I told you before-"

"Remember that you promised mom that you wouldn't make her worry? But we left the station only 30 minutes ago, and you've already come close to blowing up the train because you got called short. Please bro-"

"Alright, I get it!" shouted Ed and Roy. They turned to each other, and lloked back at their blonde partners. Riza only nodded, while Al awkwardly grinned. They then turned towards each other. Roy's left cheek started to pull up towards his eye, while Ed struggled to pull his lips apart in an attempt to show teeth. As the two companies watched the boys struggle to smile and make nice, contorting their faces in ways that seemed impossible, the train continued to roll on.

At last, they both settled on a painful grimace, then Roy turned on his heel and stiffly marched out of the carriage, his face still locked in a rictus of unwilling submission. Soon, only Riza was left. She turned back, nodded at Al, then left and shut the door behind her, leaving only Al, who collapsed into his seat, and Ed, who remained standing, his face frozen in the same position until the train reached Hogwarts.

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><p>Yeah, end of the Hogwarts Express. I'm sorry about how rushed and sucky it is, but soon things will get better!...I hope. Review please?<p> 


	4. Welcome to Hogwarts, Al

Author's Note: Yeah, pretty quick huh? I finished Chapter 3 two nights ago, and was editing it for release when the sandwich I was eating at Panera gave me inspiration to start 4. So I hope this is better for you than 3. Read and Review!

Disclaimer: Harry Potter and its associated characters are the property of JK Rowling and her estate. Full Metal Alchemist and its associated characters are property of Hiromu Arakawa and her estate. I own nothing but the sandwich I am digesting.

Chapter 4: Welcome to Hogwarts, Al

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><p>The Hogwarts express slowly came to a halt. Al nervously glanced at his older brother, his face still frozen in a macabre rictus. Ed was still in his muggle clothes, while Al had changed into his black robes. Al gently shook his brother. "Uh, bro?" Ed snapped out of whatever reverie he had been in for the past hour. "Huh? What? Oh, Al. How much longer do we got until we get to the school? You're gonna love it there, it's an amazing place."<p>

"That's the thing…we're kinda already there."

"…What."

"You were just…standing there for so long and I was kinda scared to touch you because you know, waking up a sleepwalker is kinda dangerous so I thought that maybe this would be sort of the same situation…"

"!"

Al leapt back as Ed ran around the carriage like a hurricane, stripping and changing into his robes as fast as he could. While his brother scurried around like a dervish, Al stepped out of the carriage. "They're calling first years now, so I'm just going to go on ahead. I'll see you later bro!" With that, he left his frantic older brother and stepped off the train. He walked towards the scrawny, bespectacled man calling out "First years! First years right here! You are all here? Excellent. I am Professor Shou Tucker, I teach Care of Magical Creatures. But you don't need to worry about that until third year."

"What happened to Professor Hagrid? I've heard stories about him, and all of them say that he was the professor for Care of Magical Creatures," piped up a little girl with her hair in twin buns.

"Well, he unfortunately grows old like the rest of the people in the world. His reactions around the creatures he enjoys taking care of have dulled, and he had a little…'accident.' He's retired from teaching, but he still lives on the grounds as groundskeeper. I just took his place as teacher."

"Accident?" asked the same little girl from before.

"No more questions, let's go."

Drawing a thin, pale wand, Professor Tucker flicked his wrist and drew up a platoon of small boats out of thin air. "No more than four to a boat. Otherwise you'll capsize, and we can't have any more dead students, can we?" Al hopped into a boat, and the girl with the hair buns followed him.

Al glanced at the girl who had stepped into the boat. She looked like she had oriental blood in her, and she also looked very cute with her hair tied up like that…She glanced back at him and smiled. Al blushed and tried to grin back. "Hi! I'm May Chang, what's your name?"

"I-I'm Alphonse Elric."

"Nice to meet you Alphonse. What house do you think you'll get into?"

"Umm, I hope I get into Gryffindor or Ravenclaw. My older brother is in Gryffindor, and our family friend is Ravenclaw, so it'll be a lot better for me if I got into either of those houses."

"Oh that sounds nice. How old is your brother? What's he like?"

"Well, he's got blonde hair, and gold eyes like me, but his personality is fiery and strong and he's really smart and a good fighter and a great brother."

"Woow, he sounds really great!" remarked Mei, her eyes sparkling at the image she held in her head.

Taken aback at her star struck reaction, Al quickly mumbled "…andhe'sreallyreallyshort."

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><p>Within a carriage drawn by what everyone knew to be an invisible horse, a certain blonde dwarf sneezed.<p>

"Ugh. Ed, cover your mouth!"

"Sorry Winry." Ed wiped his nose on his rumpled sleeve. He had just barely managed to change and get off the express right before it left the station, only to realize he had left his trunk on the train. He knew he could get it back later, but still. First Mustang, then his trunk, and now he was randomly sneezing.

"Ed, use a hanky." The blonde girl sitting across from him pulled a handkerchief from her mokeskin bag and handed it to him.

"Thanks Winr-AUUGH!" Ed felt something slimy on his face as he wiped with the handkerchief. He ripped it from his face and saw that what would have been a white handkerchief was soaked in grease. "This is disgusting! Why'd you give me this one?"

"Sorry, lemme try to find another….nope all greasy."

"Geez…People say that a girl with a hobby is attractive, but they clearly never met a girl grease monkey" Ed muttered.

Winry smiled demurely. "I'm sorry, what was that?"

"I said: being a grease monkey makes you not pretty, sexy, or hot in any way shape or form!"

*BANG* "!" Ed clutched his head, trying not to cry in pain as Winry simply continued to smile in a reserved, demure manner while she held a large, heavy wrench in her hand.

"DAMMIT! HOW MANY CAN YOU FIT IN THAT STUPID BAG OF YOURS!"

"Enough."

The carriage moved forward in silence with no mentions of womanliness.

A few carriages away, a certain pair of Slytherins was alone in their carriage as well.

"I don't get why you had to stop me. It was a fight for your honor."

"And for your own ego. Roy, as much as you hate admitting it, having me insulted as a 'bimbo' hurt you much more than it hurt me."

"That's, tch, pfft, hahaha, no no, that's…..ridiculous! Why would I be hurt by you…no…pfft…ANYWAY! There are more pressing things to worry about."

"Yes, like why did you leave our luggage to Breda?"

"He's strong. He can carry it. Anyway, that's not important ri-"

"It is important. WE are respected students who don't have a spot on our records we haven't erased. Don't you think Breda might decide our bags are a perfect place to hide his more…volatile ingredients?"

"Oh come on. I have faith in my friends. Besides, after he burned off my eyebrow, he knows not to mess with his chemicals around me. Anywa-"

"Oh, that was hilarious. I had never seen Elric that happy before."

"Yeah, Elric. He's part of the problem I am trying to talk about, Riza. So please, I know you're uncomfortable discussing this, but please. This is serious."

Riza sighed, and then straightened up. "Of course. Whatever you say sir."

"Excellent. Elric is something we'll take care of later."

"Considering the state of your relationship right now, I think that recruiting him to your cause is highly unlikely."

"I know."

"He thinks that you are an insufferable asshole with a swollen head."

"I know."

"Not to mention the height jokes you keep ma-"

"I KNOW! I SCREWED UP AND NOW I WON'T BE ABLE TO PERSUADE HIM TO EVER SUPPORT OUR CAUSE!...I know." Roy was panting, with irritation and a trace of anguish on his face.

Riza reached across to put her hand on the boy's shoulder. "I know you know. I'm sorry. But as a great leader, you need to never forget your failures, and let them propel you to the top. That's where you're headed. That's why you assembled Havoc, Falman, Fuery, Breda, and me. You got their loyalty and respect through your vision. Your ambition is our ambition. We want to take you to the top, where you belong. That's why you are our leader. That's why you are a Slytherin."

Roy sighed. "Thank you, Riza….Now let's recap from where I was trying to go. Edward Elric is completely opposed to me, but I know he respects you and Havoc as peers. I want you two to see if you can reconcile him with the thought of joining our cause."

"Okay."

"Good. If you can persuade him, see if you can't persuade him to take his little brother as well. The kid looks like he has talent."

"Okay. But do you really think Elric will want to join you?"

"He's probably one of the angriest kids in the world right now, and he knows all too well how to hold a grudge. But he's a smart kid with a good heart. Even if he doesn't want to follow me, I know he'll stand for my cause."

"Yes, that is true…But what about-"

"Riza, in spite of how much I belittle him, he's a smart kid. He would know better than to go to Ouroboros."

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><p>Yeah, more characters. For clarification, like Shou said, this takes place quite some time after the original Harry Potter storyline. To illustrate, Neville would still be teaching, but he'd be getting on in years now. So, is it improving steadily? No? If so, or no, please tell me in a review.<p> 


	5. The Sorting  Sorta  At Least for Al

Author's Note: Sorry about the delay. I had to work on my college apps, but I finished them in the last week of December, so that's hardly an adequate excuse. :/ I actually had finished up half of chapter 5, but then when I lent my computer to my friend, he dropped it and cracked the hard drive. So that was gone. Then my midterms came up along with other high school drama. Eventually, I ended up just shelving this in the back of my mind. But enough of my excuses. Sorry to anyone who was looking forward to the updates, sorry for my pretentious self-serving excuses, and sorry for this obscenely long AN. I'm a second semester senior; I'm gonna get this show on the road.

Disclaimer: Harry Potter and its associated characters are the property of JK Rowling and her estate. Full Metal Alchemist and its associated characters are property of Hiromu Arakawa and her estate. I own nothing but the new hard drive I put into my computer.

Chapter 5: The Sorting…Sorta…At Least for Al

Ed walked towards the doors of the Great Hall, his head wrapped in bandages. "Damn, were the things I said so bad she had to crack me on the head six times?" he asked himself as he tenderly rubbed his almost positively cracked skull. "Ugh, first Mustang, then my trunk and random allergies, now this, ow…" Ed continued to mutter and swear under his breath as he looked for the side doors that would take him into the hall with no one noticing…hopefully.

As he closed the door behind him, Ed turned around and gazed at the sight that met his eyes. Four long tables surrounded by chattering students devouring the foods that replenished themselves whenever a portion was taken, and wiping themselves clean of the spit and food fragments that flew when the kids would laugh and yell. Ed began to drool at the aroma, but quickly wiped it away. "Damn, I missed the Sorting! Mom's gonna kill me…I don't have any memories of Al being Sorted, and she doesn't want his…dammit….Oh well. I'll cross that bridge when I come to it. Might as well look at the bright side. I may have missed the Sorting, but I didn't miss the feast, and I missed the White Bitch of the North too. That's definitely a plus for me!" As he put one foot out into the light of the hall, *WHAM* A strong hand clapped down on top of Edward's skull. "FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUuuuuu-urk!" The swear died in Ed's throat, along with the pain, only to be replaced by the cold, pitiless fear that squirrels feel before headlights.

As Ed continued to make pathetic squeaky noises in his throat, the lips of the menace who hovered above him quirked into what most dictionaries would technically call a "smile" and most people would call "The moment when my life flashed before my eyes."

"Oh, I'm sorry, Mr. Elric." The behemoth above him spoke. "Unfortunately for you, the only thing you won't be missing today is _The White Bitch of the North_." And with that, Professor of Defense Against the Dark Arts, or as she called it, "Battle Magic," Professor Olivier Mira Armstrong stepped out of the Great Hall with the gibbering dwarf under her hand. The White Bitch had her first victim of the year, and as the upperclassmen watched the scene while they ate, and the first years sat petrified, and as the teachers quietly continued to talk amongst themselves, all of them thought the same thing: "Sucks to be him."

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><p>-90 Minutes or so previously-<p>

"…Short?"

"Yeah…..reallyreallyshort..." Al mumbled again.

"Hmmm, that rather cuts down his dashingness level by half…What do you think Xiao-Mei?"

Al only stared as a small black and white….rat (?) crawled out of May's pocket and nodded vigorously. "Okay then, forget the small, not nearly as dashing boy," she muttered.

"Uh..." May's last comment had snapped Al from his dazed reaction to Mei's….rat thing. "Uh, not as dashing as who?"

"Oh, heehee, that's a S-E-C-R-E-T." She punctuated the "T" with a wink.

Al blinked and then blushed furiously, while May could only giggle at the cute blonde boy's flustered demeanor. Onward, the boat moved forth, propelled by invisible hands that pushed them across the glassy surface of the lake. Professor Shou's boat reached the shore first with a muted *thud.* He turned to the rest of the first years arriving on their boats and gestured with his wand towards the castle. As they walked in silence towards the castle, Professor Shou turned around to address them all. "When you enter the castle, you will be in the foyer before the Great Hall. Remain silent until I return so that you may all be Sorted. The Sorting is the ceremony where you shall be placed in the House where you shall live in for the next seven years. Your House is to be your family, and to be your friends. Each House has a Head of House, a teacher who will oversee all your rewards and all of your…._punishments._" A collective shudder ran through the crowd as the professor said the word "punishments;" He appeared to be savoring the word entirely too much to be healthy.

The professor turned around, but continued to speak. "Which House you will be put into, I have no idea. Whether or not you become a brave Gryffindor, destined for heroics and foolishness, a clever Ravenclaw, intelligent and entirely too nosy, a kind Hufflepuff, weak willed but useful, a cunning Slytherin, doomed to loneliness from ambitions, or even having to go back home on the Express because you were not 'magic' enough, is entirely up to you." At that, the creepy man turned around again and looked at the faces of the students, terrified that they would not be "magic" enough. "That last one was a joke, by the way."

As the group walked into the foyer, the professor turned around. "Wait here." With that, he turned and disappeared into the shadows. The group exploded into nervous whispering. "What's going on?" "What's gonna happen?" "I need to pee!" "I miss my mom…" "That professor is creepy as hell." Al twitched as he looked around at the other students. Right about now, he really agreed with speaker number three. He looked around, then turned to May. The little girl was standing ramrod straight, with her eyes blazing with determination. She was as awe-inspiring as her tiny frame would allow her to be and Al felt it. "So, uh May?"

"Yes Alphonse?"

"So, um, which house was it you wanted to be in?"

"Didn't I answer that question already?"

"No, not really."

"Oh, sorry then. I'm going to be in the same house as my cousin obviously! All my aunts and uncles just fawn over him, and my own parents even talk about him all the time, saying how great he is and what a genius he is. Our grandfather is even considering making my cousin the head of the family when he passes away, even though I can do just as much stuff as he can, all because he's _male._ So I'm gonna be in the same house as him, and do everything he did, but better, deflate his fat head, and kick him all the way back to our grandfather who will _have_ to make me heir then. HAHAHAHA!"

Al slowly backed away from the small Oriental girl who was now emitting a fiery aura, her eyes aglow. Besides her, her tiny black and white rat was aglow with fury too. "Uh, hehe…wow. That's an amazing goal and I hope you achieve it…"

"Thank you! That's sweet."

"Uh, you're welcome, but…then what house is your cousin in?"

"Oh whoops." May's aura died down as she smiled at Al. "Didn't answer did I, hehe. He is, and I am going to be-"

"It is time." Al and May jumped back as Professor Shou emerged from the shadows between them. All chatter ceased, while for one person, the waterworks began. The professor sighed and flicked his wand, drying the unfortunate child's pants. "There's one every year. Come along. It is time for the Sorting to begin."

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><p>The first years trooped into the hall, then stopped to gawk at the wonders around them. There were floating candles interspersed with bright orbs of magic floating around. The flames would change colors and size to give the perfect ambience to the sections of the various tables, but the candles were nothing compared to the hall itself. Tall arches lined with gargoyles and patterns of vines stretched to the skies, literally. There was no roof, the hall opened out to the clouded sky, with the moon shining down on the students as they ate. Al then blinked and looked closer. There was a barely discernable roof in the clouds. Behind him, he heard a girl say "It's enchanted to look like the sky outside. I read it in-" Behind her, a boy simply rolled his eyes and mouthed along with her-"<em>Hogwarts; A History<em>."

The group came before a stage with a small stool on it. Upon the stool was a ragged black hat, its point long dulled and frayed away. A rip near the brim then opened up. "Welcome to Hogwarts. I am the Sorting Hat. I have knowledge dimensions beyond these simple three. I can see beyond what is to be seen, and as such can tap into these other dimensions to Sort you. No, I will not be singing, due to the laziness of the writer."

The kids looked at each other nervously. What writer? Beside the stool, Professor Shou just groaned and rolled his eyes. "Children, ignore it. It has been blathering on about some fourth dimension beyond us all, separated from us by the presence of some metaphysical wall. Magic has never been able to prove the existence of this 'fourth wall,' and so just ignore the hat's blathering."

The Hat simply harrumphed. "Continue to disbelieve if you will, I am simply stating what I see. And I shall now see where the destinies of these children lie, whether they be in Gryffindor, Ravenclaw, Hufflepuff, Slytherin, or Not Magic Enough. What, you thought that was a joke? Well it was."

The professor merely sighed. "When I read your name from the list, please come up and place the Hat upon your head. Akerson, Emily."

A young brunette girl slowly stepped up to the hat, and reached out towards it. "Hufflepuff. Next." All of the first years just stared at the hat, while the older students just continued to watch, already too used to the Hat.

"W-wasn't I supposed to put you on my head and then you would-"

"Yes, I normally would, but the dimension beyond the fourth wall has shown me your status and as such, there is no complication behind you, or further motive. You are simply kind background girl #1. As such, you may take your place amongst your house."

Dumbstruck, the girl slowly turned and walked towards the Hufflepuffs, who quietly welcomed her with reassuring pats on the back and kind words. Watching the scene, Al thought to himself that maybe the Hat really was right.

The Sorting went on in such a manner, with the Hat denouncing many students as minor characters, but gracing some with its presence on their heads. Eventually, the professor called up "Chang, May."

"This is it! Wish me luck Al!"

"Oh, uh yeah! You'll definitely get into the house you want, I know it!"

"Heehee, thanks! I hope you get the same house as your brother or friend, but it wouldn't be too bad if you were in the same house as me, right?"

Al blushed crimson. "N-No! I, mean, uh…wait what? If you aren't going to Gryffindor or Ravenclaw…Wait, May! Hold on! Which house is your-"

May stepped up to the stool with the Hat. The Hat simply turned towards her. "Good lord, I don't even need to be this close to know where you belong. Are you sure girl?"

"Absolutely."

"Very well then."

While May stood in front of the Hat, a pair of steely eyes glinted from one of the tables. Underneath these eyes, a wide grin broke out. "Ah, May, my cute little cousin. Welcome to Hogwarts, and welcome to-"

"SLYTHERIN," cried out the Hat. The blood drained out of Al's face instantly. He pushed his way through the other first years, who cried out in protest. But Al's eyes were only for May, as she walked off the dais and her robes instantly trimmed themselves in green and silver, with a serpent crest embroidering itself on her chest. He could only stare as she walked down towards the end of the table, stiffly bow, then move to a relatively empty section of the table, her eyes burning with focus.

Al just stood, staring at the spot where May sat alone, where she sat with a poise and unbreakable focus. He stood for so long, he barely noticed Professor Tucker calling his name, until he heard a snarl behind his ear. "Boy, would you like to move so you can be Sorted, or would you rather be considered for 'Not Magic Enough?'"

"AAH! Oh, uh sorry Professor. I was just…distracted is all."

"Hmmph. Very well then. For the last time, Elric, Alphonse."

Al walked up to the stool, and the Hat turned towards him. "Ah, yes very good. Put me on your head, boy."

He numbly picked up the Hat gingerly by the brim and slipped it over his head. It covered his eyes, and his ears. Al closed his eyes, and listened to the little voice that had sprung up inside his head. "Well, now let us begin, Alphonse."

Author's Note: Jegus that was long. Sorry about the delays again, I'll try to keep a regular update schedule if I can somehow find the spare brainpower to plan one, but I will definitely update as much as I can without sacrificing the plot. So yeah, read and review…please? Edit: Stupid downtime.


	6. The Sorting, Finally

Author's Note: I'm trying to make up for lost time with this update. Expect maybe another chapter or two after this about acclimation to the classes and dorms and what not, with some more introductions. All the introductions should be done pretty soon, then we can get into the plot. Oh by the way, Olivier's nickname for Defense Against the Dark Arts, "Battle Magic," is not of my creation. That honor goes to LessWrong who wrote _Harry Potter and the Methods of Rationality_. It's just an awesome term from an awesome fic that I think fits her well so I used it.

Disclaimer: Harry Potter and its associated characters are the property of JK Rowling and her estate. Full Metal Alchemist and its associated characters are property of Hiromu Arakawa and her estate. I own nothing but this pack of gum I'm chewing my through.

Chapter 6: The Sorting, finally

"Well, now let us begin, Alphonse."

Al took a sharp intake of breath as he heard the words. It felt like they were being spoken directly into his head, yet he could hear them spoken to him as if someone was standing right behind him. The voice that spoke knew all, saw all, and-

"Oh stop that line of thought, I'm just a hat with the ability to break the fourth wall, not some evil demon."

Al began to stammer. "Uh, so then-"

"And there's no need to talk out loud. You're the only one who can hear me right now, but everyone else can hear you. Just think and I'll hear it."

"Oh. Okay then.. So, then…what are you going to do now?"

"Do what? If you are referring to my opinion on where you belong due to my analysis of your memories, I've already done that."

"What? Then why am I here underneath you and-"

"Quiet boy. I wasn't finished. As I was saying, I have already made my opinion, but I haven't made my decision yet. You are a rather complex child Mr. Elric, much more so than your brother."

"What?"

"Oh yes, I remember every child who has passed before me. Of course, I cannot give specifics, but I remember my judgments and I have stood by every single one of them. And I can tell you right now, your brother was not at all interesting to Sort. I could see it from a mile away. He was plenty smart and kind with good ambition, but his insane courage to go forward, no matter what the cost could be immediately placed him in Gryffindor. A word of advice for you to give to your brother: Always think about the cost. I doubt he'll listen, even to you, but that was my contribution to him."

"Wait, what do I te-"

"But enough about him. He didn't even get to put me on his head. We are talking about _you_, Alphonse Elric, and _your_ Sorting. So, what shall it be? You have courage, the same drive to do the right thing, rather like your brother, albeit more tempered with a sharp mind and a keen awareness of the people around you. In all honesty, I believe you could fit into any of the four houses."

"Oh. W-wait! F-F-Four? You don't mean-"

"Oh, but I do Mr. Elric. Like your brother, you also harbor great ambitions, but unlike your brother, you have someone you want to surpass, and are sure that you could, with the proper tutelage and friends. In Slytherin, you would be more than able to find the right sort of friends who could take you to places where your brother could never reach."

"But, but, but, I don't think about that…too much…I mean, uh well…It's…"

"Yes? It's what?"

"It's…It's that I know that sometimes, I really do wish I could be better than Bro, and have everyone look at me for once, and see me as something special like how they all look at Bro, and look down on me even when I do the same thing because it's "cute" that I'm imitating by older brother and….But I don't feel _that_ strongly! Not enough to want to go into Slytherin!"

"No, you don't. However, I feel that there is a certain…factor…that tips your favor slightly in the direction of Slytherin."

"Oh wait, you aren't…no…May's just…."

"Ah ah ah, I never said 'May,' now did I? I just said that there was a 'factor.'"

"You…You bastard! That's-That's the cheapest and lamest trick in the book!"

"What book? I don't have eyes, I cannot read."

"AARRGG!"

Al sat under the hat fuming. Meanwhile, money was changing hands; there had been several bets amongst the students, and a couple of teachers as well, about how long the blonde boy would be stuck under the Hat for. The longest bet placed was for 15 minutes, while the shortest amount of time was 127 seconds. Right now, it looked like the smart ones who bet around the 12 minute mark would be raking in the Galleons.

"So your mind tricks aside,"

"Yes, you did walk into that one rather easily."

"No wait, be quiet. What is your decision going to be?"

"Do you want my honest opinion?"

"…Yeah, it can't hurt at this point can it."

"Very well then. NOT M-"

"WAIT! I CHANGED MY MIND DON'T TELL ME YOUR OPINION."

"Hehehehe, got you again boy."

"Why you…"

Al's hands were jumping around the edge of the stool, resisting the urge to throttle the hat. Shou Tucker just stood to the side and shook his head wearily. How he sympathized with the boy.

"So please, just cut your joking, and tell me: Where do I go?"

"Do you really want to know boy?"

"Yes!"

"Well, where do _you_ want to go?"

"What."

"Well, yes. In some cases, choice isn't even a matter because of how obviously someone belongs in a certain house, your brother or May being good examples. Others, such as yourself, are more complicated to Sort, and so I take your choice into account as well as all other factors. So now tell me, because only you can decide, would you rather be with your brother and the brave of heart, your childhood friend and be among fellow intellectuals, or would you be with your with your new friend, who looks to rise amongst those who are destined to claw their way to the top?"

"I…I…I…don't know…I want to be with my brother…but I also…"

"Yes? Go on."

"I need to grow. That's why I was sent here and…well…I can't grow in Bro's shadow, can I?"

"No, I don't think you can. Is that your choice then? To grow separate from those you have been raised with, and to create your own destiny?"

"Yes."

"Are you sure? This will irrevocably affect how you will live, and your relationships. Are you ready for this change?"

"Yes. I love my Bro, but…"

"It's okay. I understand. I can read your mind right now, remember?"

"Oh, right."

"Very well then. Oh, and Mr. Elric?"

"Yes?"

"My choice would have been, ah well it doesn't matter now does it, you've already made your choice."

"Wait, what was it?"

"Haha, well let's see how your choice turned out over mine!" To the expectant hall, the Hat turned and then loudly proclaimed: "SLYTHERIN!"

Winry fell out of her seat, May jumped up, her eyes sparkling with delight, and Roy and Riza turned to each other and began to whisper. Professor Tucker took the Hat off his head. As the professor took off the Hat, Al turned back, and could swear he saw the Hat wink at him. As he stared, he felt him being hit from behind by May in a wild hug.

"YAYAYAYAYAY! Oh, Al this is so great! We can be in the same classes now and I can introduce you to all the right people and you can help me take over the family now, I mean you look smart enough, but I could supply the cunning and together we can easily take my fat head cousin on and Al? What's wrong?"

"Eh…ehehehehe…." Al's face turned bright red as he began to wobble a bit dangerously. "I…I think I need a seat first May."

"Oh right, of course! So I was pretty sure I could have done this on my own but as a team we could do anything and…"

As the girl continued to talk, Al's robes trimmed themselves in green and silver, with the serpent taking its place on his chest. Winry watched the two young Slytherins sit down together, and she shook her head. Slytherin…What was Ed going to do?

The answer to Winry's question arrived 30 minutes later, with a loud "FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUuuuuu-urk!" Everyone in the hall turned towards the sound, then quickly turned away as Olivier Mira Armstrong dragged the poor unfortunate blonde away. As Winry quietly ate her stew, the only thing that echoed in her mind and everyone else's mind as well was "Sucks to be him."

Author's Notes: Yeah, mindless talking and poor jokes! Sorry if my house choice is controversial or flameworthy, it's just one of those ideas that I've had ever since I first conceived the fic. I regret nothing! So yeah, read and review please?


	7. A Convenient Mistruth, AKA A Lie

Author's Note: There are some ridiculously good fanfic writers out there. They make me feel horrible when I turn up to submit with this poop. Rushed and short, so sorry. (╯ಠ_ಠ)╯ ┻━┻

Disclaimer: Harry Potter and its associated characters are the property of JK Rowling and her estate. Full Metal Alchemist and its associated characters are property of Hiromu Arakawa and her estate. I own nothing but the Chex Mi….No wait, the batterwitch has her filthy claws in my Chex Mix too…

Chapter 7: A Convenient Mistruth, AKA A Lie

Ed's fear of the hulking woman drowned out the pain as she gripped his most definitely cracked skull and dragged him to her office. "Dammit dammit dammit dammit," Ed whispered under his breath. "Professor Armstrong, I'm really sorry about what I said. It was y-y'know…A joke?" Ed squeaked out the last two words as the blonde woman turned around to glare at him.

"You're lucky I'm in a good mood today Elric, otherwise detention would be the least of your worries."

"…Good?" Ed thought to himself.

"Since it's only the start of term, you should only have to scour out all the potions cauldrons by hand."

"I…I thought that those were cleaned at the end of every year…"

"Yes, most of them. However, quite a few were far too volatile to clean with magic, and we still have to deal with the leftovers of Breda's….experiments. The professors have been looking for someone to clean out these cauldrons. Something always seems to happen to anyone who cleans these cauldrons out. I think the last one nearly lost his left arm due to frostbite. It's such a relief to finally find someone to clean them out. The teacher who finds such a student usually gets a bonus as well, so there's that too. Hehehehe."

"….Good?" Ed thought to himself.

"So then, I should just have to file the paper work, and then…give you some dragon hide gloves. I think you can start with Breda cauldrons 1 through 5. That should be a good head start on the other fou"

"Hey, uh Professor! Professor Armstrong!" A loud voice interrupted the professor. "Ah, there we go, uh just lemme catch my breath for a bit. Whew!"

"What is it Hughes?"

"Oh, uh, sorry about the mix up Professor! You see, Ed was late to the feast because of me!"

"….Explain. Now."

"Well, you see,-"

"Not you Hughes; Elric, explain."

"Wha…what?" Ed was thoroughly confused by the turn of events.

"You see Hughes, even if you are a trustworthy student, I feel as if your appearance is a little….too convenient for Mr. Elric. Anyway, if you are telling the truth, Elric's alibi should corroborate with your story for him. So, Mr. Elric. Let's hear the truth."

"Oh well, uh….Hughes…lost something."

"Something what."

"Uh well, um…" Ed's eyes flicked towards Hughes. He was busy pantomiming out some actions. "Uh, he um…lost his…codpiece…I MEAN-"

"…..Codpiece."

Hughes shook his head. "Codpiece, oh Merlin."

"Well now Hughes, I would ask to see your 'codpiece,' but I feel as if that would be sexual harassment. Why on earth would you need a codpiece anyway?"

"Well, uh…"

"It's because of Gracia!"

"Who."

"WHAT!"

"Uh, yeah! Hughes has this girlfriend, Gracia, and-"

"Don't be ridiculous kid. Gracia would love me no matter what size my-"

"So do you have the codpiece or not, Hughes."

Hughes silently stared at hulking blonde woman, who only pointedly glared back. He then abashedly began to sift through his pockets, to pull out…

"Oh Merlin…"

"Oh….jeez, Hughes…"

"….You two can go now."

Silently, the two Gryffindors turned around and walked away. They could hear the professor walking away, muttering to herself. "A codpiece. Oh Merlin…"

Ed turned towards the older Gryffindor. A fourth year, tall for his age, with black hair, glasses, and the beginnings of a wispy beard looked at him. "...Thanks Hughes."

"Don't mention it kid. Although I'll never figure out how you got codpiece. You must think about compensation a lot huh?"

"….Shut up."

"Hahaha, just teasing Ed. Don't worry, I don't think Winry will mind if you need to co-"

"RAWR SHUT UUUUPPP! SHE'S NOT MY GIRLFRIEND!" Hughes smirked at the blonde dwarf's reaction.

"What? I was only going to say I don't think she would mind if you need to compete with Roy in everything since it allows her to practice her Healer's education on you."

"Were you really going to say that?"

"Hahaha, no. Not really. Now let's hurry back to the feast, and maybe you can grab something to eat."

"Right right, oh hey do you know which house Al got into?"

"…You'll see later, but for now, the feast!"

Author's Note: Sorry, this chapter is inexcusably bad. Like, incredibly bad. But I needed to get out an update and I figured I might as well let Ed get off the hook. Besides, I got to introduce Hughes, and I need Armstrong for later. So yeah, sorry about the suck.


	8. An Update, and an Apology

Right, I'm sorry that an update has been so long in coming. To be frank, it was completely douchebaggy of me to leave anyone reading this in the dust for so long without any kind of indication or hint as to what the state of the story is. Consider it dead. I am effectively killing this fic, since I have lost all interest in writing this specific piece. I still have ideas and I realize that the best way to utilize them is to rework this story from the ground up. I thank you for your patience and your reviews in reading my first story, and again, I am sorry for leaving so many of you in the lurch.


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